Agree or Disagree?

Things that a Widow wants everyone to know: 

1. Widows are not monolithic.

There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to losing a loved one. All losses are not the same, nor do we all grieve the same way.

So don’t assume you know how we are feeling. Trust me, half the time we don’t even know how we feel. Or even how we are supposed to feel.

2. Grieving isn’t a competition.

Please don’t compare my loss with your neighbor’s or your sister’s or even your own. As writer and widow Laurie Burrows Grad says, “Comparing grief is a totally useless cause. This is not a competition. The grief we feel has its own voice and should not be compromised by comparisons.”

Comparing grief is something you bump into a lot at grief groups. Who hurts the most: The widow who spent 50 years with her childhood sweetheart or the young widow left with three kids to raise on her own?

Why even go there? What’s the prize?

3. Widowhood can be deadly, but it isn’t contagious.

Yes, the “widowhood effect” is real. When a husband or wife dies, the chance of the surviving spouse dying over the next few months increases. The effect is reportedly strongest in the first three months after a spouse dies, when survivors’ chances of dying increase by 66 percent. The study followed 12,316 participants.

Widowhood and what frequently leads up to it can be a killer, but grief and loss are not contagious. You won’t catch anything, so you don’t need to avoid those of us who are mourning. In fact, we wish you wouldn’t.

4. There is no timetable for recovery.

Grief doesn’t run on a reliable schedule. Nobody can tell a grieving widow when she will feel better. The best I’ve been able to glean is that at some point, most of us realize that the good days are outnumbering the bad and that lives, including ours, march on.

Those five steps of grieving attributed to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross ― denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance? She wasn’t studying survivors who were grieving. Her research was with terminally ill cancer patients and how they faced their diagnoses. Those five steps were never meant to be taken as grief gospel, and frankly, they have birthed a cottage industry based on the premise that there is only one way to grieve. There’s not.

For each of us, it’s different. So try not to judge us if we don’t dispose of our loved one’s clothes in six months or a year or even six years. And when we decide to date again is between us and ourselves, with maybe a nod to any children who would be affected ― not you.

5. Don’t be the ugly relative.

With every death comes possessions to be disposed of and people who will stake claim to them. Does a daughter-in-law get the same pick of mom’s jewelry as a daughter? Is it the biology or the emotional relationship that matters more?

Caregiving often brings out the worst in family relationships. Siblings quarrel over who carries the heaviest care burden. But then, along comes death ― and the vultures descend.

Don’t be a vulture. Grief deserves respect. And respect shown begets respect given.

Can you envision piling that on top of grieving?

6. Maybe I need your help, or maybe I just need your kindness.

My needs at the moment are not as simple as a plumbing repair. What I need is for the world to be a little softer and gentler when I’m around.

Am I being realistic? No. But putting kindness out in the world might help more than you know ― even if you don’t know any widows.

Written by Ann Brenoff. I love her stuff.