My Home

HOME.

My home was always with my Age. It didn’t matter where Age and I were as long as I was with Age I felt safe and at home.

When I became a widow, my home never felt like home again. My home became a stranger to me. I stayed with my husband’s family in Melbourne the first year when Age died.  It was extremely hard for me to be around his family when he wasn’t around. Age’s family tried their best but I couldn’t grieve properly, having his family around me all the time. 

Everything appeared to be the same, BUT I was suffocating, scared, mad, frustrated that Age wasn’t around. I couldn’t accept it. Getting the constant reminder that Age wasn’t around when I was with his family, didn’t help me. It was a constant nightmare and I was getting to the point I was going mad. I didn’t feel like I was grieving the way I wanted too because I was mindful of Ages family grieving too. It also felt like it was a competition who love Age the most and who was hurting more.  Age’s family’s love wasn’t enough for me. I wanted my husband and that was that. I didn’t care about anything else. I just wanted to be close to him once again.

When was in our bedroom, our bedroom didn’t feel the same and it felt so empty and cold. I remember the first night I slept in our bed as a widow. I couldn’t stop crying, I didn’t sleep that night. I was in the darkest place in my life. There were several chats I had with God begging God to take my life and that I didn’t want live anymore. I couldn’t handle my pain of losing Age. I was confused because the promises I had from the Lord and the visions he gave to me about our future. I was hurt because God allow this to happen and I didn’t think this was ever going to happen to me
so soon.  I kept telling myself, I didn’t sign up for this kind of life.

I knew if I had stayed at my Melbourne home I would have followed my husband to the grave. Moving away from my home was the hardest decision to make because it’s the place I called home for many years and there were so many great memories I shared with Age.

One night - I had a dream that I was in a dark room and I tried to escape but there was always a black snake hissing at me from every corner.  There was no escape from that room and I was surrounded by black snakes. I remembered in my dream I ran to the middle of the dark room and I fell onto my knees and screamed to God for help. Thats when I woke up in tears. The dream felt so real like I was trapped in darkness. 

I knew at that point - I wanted OUT. I didn’t want to be there anymore, without my husband the home wasn’t home anymore. I didn’t have it in me to tell Age’s family that I wanted out. I had no fight in me to tell them the truth. I couldn’t explain how I was feeling at that time I wanted to get out of Melbourne. I was feeling like I was trapped with sorrow and pain.

I moved back to my dads place in Sydney on the day of his unveiling, the year after his passing on the 20^th of October 2018.

When I left my Melbourne home I took nothing with me. I left every penny. all our assets, I left everything behind to my husbands family. Everything that Age and I worked hard for I left it behind. God wanted me to leave everything behind.  I knew the Lord wanted me to leave so I can start healing from my pain and the suffering of losing my beautiful husband. It hurt like hell to leave Melbourne but I trust The  Lord knows what is best for me. 

My encouragement is stay true to your feelings; do not delay your healing process. Be brave take the first step. The first step might hurt you but I promise it will get better. You come first. God wants you to be happy. MISSAGE❤️.